My Experience in the Gay Community

This page can be accessed directly at www.GayTestimony.com

Introduction

I was asked to attend a party for a co-worker who is gay. Fifteen gay men were there, and me. They had heard that I was running for a Christian based political party in my odacity to stand up for marriage and the unborn. In general they were pleasant, but then one of them launched into me. He spent 30 minutes criticizing me and telling me to throw away my “magic book” (the Bible) saying that it should be banned because it is full of horrible hatred. His partner told him to calm down. At the end of this I quietly said that my belief in God has given me the strength the stay out of sexual relationships for 20 years. He seemed quite taken back. Later, in private, several of them asked me how I did it, and why I seemed happy.

The next morning in church, after Communion, a vision came into my mind. I was in a very narrow passage between two rocks, an entrance to a canyon. There were people who depended on me and I was holding the rocks apart so they could get through the narrow passage to the light. I asked the Lord what it meant. I got a sense that the rock pressing my back was the cultural Church where many Christians are afraid of people with same sex attraction, giving only lip service to “love the sinner." The rock pressing from the front was the gay community which is very angry at the Church. Both rocks were squeezing me. I was holding them apart for same sex attracted people who need to get through the passageway to our Lord.

As a result of this vision I post this testimony. Perhaps it will help someone. I've come to understand that helping people with same sex attraction is the Church's responsibility. We can no longer leave this to the gay community, because there is a sentiment in the gay community that people who abstain from sex are in denial. Their solution is almost always sex, and when same sex attraction combines with lust it forms a kind of denial much worse than "being in the closet." It is the denial of God's call on our lives to chastity. My experience has taught me a paradox, sex is not the answer to same sex attraction. Christians need to provide a clean, welcoming, "no-sex" space, where men and women who have had some "same sex" attraction can get well and explore God's gift of chastity, an environment that is supporting, loving and free of the "yuck!" factor around sexual issues. I hope to help others choose chastity.

Early Years

In my full testimony, I talk about my childhood. There were a lot of fights and turmoil in my family. It was a poor neighbourhood in which there was a lot of violence and poverty. I responded to the stress by refusing to eat, an anorexic kid. I grew up skinny and wasn't strong. I got beat up a lot. My dad had some heart problems and had to resign from office work. He became an art writer. Although he got to be quite well recognized, my mom got a job teaching and brought in most of the family money.

Photo: This is me at 10 years old on my Great Grandma's 100th birthday. She contributed her long life to hard work on a farm and clean living ...values I would one day throw away.

At 10 years old some of my "friends" who I'd known for 3 years told me to "get lost." I said "why?" They said "because your gay, that's why!" I had no idea if they were serious or if they were just saying that to be mean. But I never hung around them again. It really hurt. I found other friends. Around that same time my brother said to my mom, "Is he gay or what?" I never forgot it. My dad used to make many jokes about "queers."

Our family were atheists and teenage sex was the accepted norm. Much of my teen energy revolved around having sex and/or trying to have sex with girlfriends. I was totally into it, a typical teenager in a sexualized culture. I didn't realize that I was putting black marks on my soul that would later haunt me.

Photo: David MacDonald, 14 years old

I started getting good at music. It became my escape and a means to attract attention.

At 18, I had a steady girlfriend. I appeared on a local TV show and the host invited me and my girlfriend to dinner. Afterward he dropped her home, and brought me to his house and said he would like me to stay the night with him. I was devastated. I said "no" and his driver took me home. I thought this famous TV announcer was interested my talent. I ran into him a couple of years ago and he apologized to me for that night. He never forgot the disappointment he created and he gave up alcohol. He's still a TV announcer. He recently has had tremendous struggles and suffering with prostate cancer.

I didn't want anything to do with God or religion. I thought religion was ridiculous. Like my brother who later committed suicide, I was an atheist.

Bahamas and New York City

At 19, I got a job playing music in Club Med Bahamas. Many gay men worked there and several came onto me. I was busy running headlong into numerous sex situations with the women in the club. One time a woman said to me "you see all these gay men here. Don't you ever become like that." I assured her she had nothing to worry about, but I got a twinge of pain.

In the Bahamas, I fell in love with a model who was shooting a magazine cover. She invited me to live with her in New York City. I told a businessman about it and he said "That'll last about 2 week, what are you going to do then?" I said "no it's real love!" He said "here's my card, give me a call when she throws you out." My third night in New York City, she took me to a party for model Cheryl Tiegs. As we left, she said the relationship was over. Unfortunately, the friend who gave me the card was not home, so I returned to the party and a man offered a place to stay. I quickly learned not to take sleep over offers from men you meet at NYC parties. It was a night of me saying "no" a lot.

Photo: David MacDonald in the Bahamas 19 years old

I got an opportunity to rent an apartment in Greenwich Village. I didn't consciously realize it was next to Christopher Street, the gay epicenter of the east coast. About a year after that, at 19, I remember having a fear was that I might be gay.

I was playing in folk clubs in the village. One night I ran into some black record company executives from Harlem in a McDonald's next to a Greenwich Village Speakeasy. They invited me up to their club called Harlem World. They loved my record that I had recorded in Canada and said "we are in the studio tomorrow, do you want to come in and write some horn lines for us?" and gave me a job producing rap records for 2 years. We recorded Love Bug Starski's (a.k.a. Kevin Smith) debut EP called "Positive Life" at the "The Platinum Factory" in Bedford Sty Brooklyn. Most rap historians credit him with coining the phrase "Hip Hop" because before going to jail, Luv Bug Starski was DJ-ing a street dance and shouted, "Hip Hop, ya don't stop!" The phrase became his signature and Luv Bug is now considered an "urban legend" in the Hip Hip scene. They called me the "Mighty Whitey." The record executive many times asked me to have sex with him. Sex with higher ups, was a line I'm grateful I didn't cross. I took to heart the advice of an old gay man who said "in show business you can build a thousand bridges, but if you kiss one ass, your an ass kisser."

Cold Crush at Harlem World in the early 80's. Check out the disco ball over the dance floor.

 

20 Years old, the innocence is gone

I also played guitar in the subway station under the Citicorp building on 53rd at Lexington Ave. One day a guy watched me for about 30 minutes 'till I took a break. Then he came over and chatted. He said he liked my music and I asked him if he played. He said "not really, I'm into acting." He was young and beginning an acting career. He lived across the bridge in New Jersey. We talked about trying to make it in the Big Apple. We got along quite well and he gave me his number. I didn't think much about it and I never got around to calling him. A year later later the movie "Risky Business" came out. The picture in the poster looked a lot like the guy I had talked to in the Subway. So I went home and looked him up in my phone book. The name I had written down was "Tom Cruise." I called the number but he had moved and I never saw him again. I thought to myself "if he can make it, so can I." I didn't realize that it took more than will power and hard work to succeed in New York.

My voice teacher was very active in the gay community and he was into drag. A couple of times during lessons, I let him cross a line with me. Unfortuanately, he got shot in a club. He survived that but died of a heart attack about a year later. He was a tragic gifted artist. Oh Lord, have mercy!

Broadway and Hollywood calls

At 21 years old, my music career took off. I produced music for Nemperor/CBS and NBC TV. I got a lead role in a Broadway show, Levis commercial, ABC After School Special, co-star in a movie for Paramount Pictures, principal role in a movie for Columbia Pictures, and the role of Rum Tum Tugger, the Rock and Roll Cat, in the US National Tour of "Cats." I remember liking the idea of putting on make-up in my first Broadway show. I began to learn that the entertainment business in New York was basically run by gay men and although I never slept with any, I certainly didn't discourage their attention to me.

Photo: New York Times, David MacDonald in the centre clapping his hands, after having played Alice Cooper in the Broadway Show "Rock & Roll: the First 5000 Years."

The New York Jet Set, was all very exciting, except for one thing. This emptiness I felt inside. When I was growing up, I had a list of achievements that I thought would make me happy. e.g., being on Broadway, having a beautiful girlfriend, getting famous, making money etc. If I could only get all of the things on the list I thought my life would be a dream. After I checked off all the items on the list I was still unhappy. It baffled me. Everything I touched turned to gold but nothing was enough. I had a hole inside me. I tried to fill it with more and more success. I tried to fill it with sex. I was a tom cat. I tried cocaine, drinking, and sugar binges. Nothing worked. I didn't realize the hole was a hunger for God.

Abortion starts a downward spiral

I never understood that sex was something ordained by God as sacred, and as a gift to humans for bonding and for making life. I thought sex was something you did for fun and as an expression of your feelings if you liked someone and were attracted to them. The idea of lifelong commitment was outside my scope of understanding. I was going out with a girl who I had met when I was playing music in Central Park. After an unexpected pregnancy, I "helped" her arrange an abortion. The abortion really affected her, but we assured ourselves that a baby would not be a good thing at that time because she was a student at the American Music & Dramatic Academy (AMDA) and I was climbing the entertainment ladder. We were both on a mad dash for success. But it really affected her. She has always carried that loss with her although today she is married and has a child with a famous person who is in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, who everyone reading this story would know. I dulled the pain with my ambition.

Less than a year after the abortion, I was cast in a Broadway show called "Baby" about three couples who were expecting children. It was the only Broadway show ever to cover this topic in such detail and was the first major role for Liz Calloway who was to play my wife. I now understand that my subconscious would not let me do the show. I left 3 days before rehearsals to do a series called "Flashdance" for NBC. The NBC series was shelved and Todd Graff who replaced me in "Baby" was nominated for a Tony award in the role I gave up. The cast album is here. He is a well known writer and director today. I think it is ironic that after an abortion, I was cast as an expecting father in a show called "Baby" and gave it up in my lust for more notoriety.

I did not learn my lesson. Soon after that I met a girl who was a doctor (M.D.) and a professional dancer with well known dance troop. She danced in New York during the fall, spring and winter and then practiced medicine in Montreal during the summers. I was very proud of her. One night she told me she was pregnant even though she was using the pill. We agreed that it was an inconvenient time to have a baby because we were "building our careers." We aborted the baby.

Although she wanted the abortion also, the moment she was on the operating table and the doctor was using a suction machine to remove the parts of our baby,  she had a powerful urge to say "put that back!" It was devastating to her emotionally. No amount of medical training, no amount of glamorous success in dancing could explain away the emptiness. With all of her education, with all her brilliance as a dancer, there was no explanation for this emotional tumble, except that we had done something horribly wrong. No amount of success could cover her motherhood. After the abortion, an emptiness swallowed me. Like many couples who have abortions, not long after it we broke up. I wanted to run away from the guilt and pain. More use of drugs, drinking, overwork.

I moved into the Hotel Chelsea in NYC which was famous because stars like Bob Dylan lived there during their early careers. I was looking for a way out of the hotel because it was expensive and the drug dealer for my ex-girlfriend called me and was threatening my life after I tried to get her off coke. The hotel clerk told me he had a spare apartment. I didn't realize it was his sex apartment and I was one of a long string of young people he had there. I didn't go very far, but it bothered me that I let it go as far as it did.

Photo: Hotel Chelsea, New York City

When I was on the US National tour of "Cats," I got sick and burned out my voice completely. It was the end of my career. For the next 3 years, I communicated by writing on a note pad and could only talk in a whisper 10 minutes a day. MTV called me up to be a video jockey but I couldn't talk. Madonna's choreographer called me up to go on tour with her as singer/dancer, but I was finished, washed up. My career was over, and my life as I knew it.

Some of my friends in the Hollywood and Broadway circles were into the New Age and I found myself in that world. I went to a "new age" seminar in San Francisco. A friend in NYC connected me with his friends in San Francisco and I spent a night in a house where there were 6 gay guys were living. I was their "straight" visitor. I appreciated their willingness to let me stay there but what I saw made me very sad. They were all obsessed with their weight and how they could best be noticed in bars. They were in and out of relationships every few weeks. If it was a serious relationship it might be a few months. I could see them desperately looking for acceptance in an environment which was driven by physical looks and charisma. It was 1984 and the HIV thing was breaking loose and listening to them sounded like they were playing Russian roulette. That was as close as I got to the San Francisco gay scene. After returning to NYC, I ran out of money and returned home to Canada.

Coming out in my hometown

Our family doctor had a counseling practice. He had been our family doctor since I was a child. I was searching for the cause of my unfortunate luck and unhappiness, I didn't realize it was a spiritual hunger for God. I started counseling with him and I told him that many older directors, producers, casting agents and other men in NYC had been attracted to me and that I wondered about my sexuality. He thought that my problem was that I was a repressed same sex attracted. He suggested I attend a Coming-Out Right group for men who were exploring the possibility of being gay. I started attending sessions at Pink Triangle Services in my hometown. They presented a model of "coming-out," that had five stages:

1. Denial
2. Admitting to self
3. Disclosure to others
4. Socialization with other gay men
5. Acceptance and integration into the gay community.

They said that I was in my "denial" stage. So I told my parents, grandfather, brothers, aunts, uncles, relatives and friends and pretty well anyone that I met that I was gay, and every time I said it I had a twinge in my gut that something was wrong. I brought a man to meet my parents. My father did his best to be tolerant but I could see it hurt him deeply.

I started going to a gay dance clubs. In straight clubs, I had been the best dancer on the floor because of my professional background in New York. But not so here. One time a TV camera came into the club from a local station. The dance floor cleared and there I was standing in front of the cameras. I was on TV that night. What a way to come out.

The clubs were completely full of drugs, alcoholism and sex in the washrooms. I was trying to get out of the world of drugs. So I learned quickly they were not for me.

I was meditating several hours a day. The New Age people I was hanging out with were totally cool with gay sexuality, and any kind of sexuality for that matter. They said "we are sexual beings and that our sexual natures needed to express themselves." They liked the New Age because it made no moral demands on them. They said each of us has a "moral compass" and all we needed to do was follow our own "truth." They didn't mention the human mind's almost limitless ability for self-justification. Christians call it concupiscence which means the natural inclination to sin.

I had my right ear pierced, which was a public declaration of homosexuality back then. But in meditation, I felt a whisper that I should not have done it. I removed the earring to reverse the piercing. At the next Coming-Out Right session, I told the group about having pierced my ear but that I removed the earring because I felt God telling me it wasn't right. One guy said "I would have told God to F*** OFF!" Lord forgive him.

The people at my Coming-Out Right sessions told me that the more I disclosed being gay, the more "emotionally well" I would become. So I went to my high school reunion, which lasted three days. On the first day, I went dressed in a three-piece suit, with my shoulders back, standing tall to meet all of my friends from high school. And one by one I "came out" to perhaps 150 people. By the end of the three-day reunion, I was completely emotionally drained. My shoulders were hunched, my clothing was disheveled and my self-esteem was rock-bottom. It didn't help at all.

A lesbian couple, one of whom was a medical doctor, invited about 6 gay men to a "Christmas" party. Then they said to us:

"why don't all the men in the room masturbate into a bottle and we will use the sperm to inseminate ourselves so we can have a child, and no man will have to take responsibility for the child because no one will know who the real father is."

Thankfully, the men thought it was a dumb idea. That was in the days before sperm banks. Today, children conceived through sperm banks never meet their real fathers.

At one of the Coming-Out Right sessions, the facilitator asked how many people in the room had porn magazines underneath their bed (that was before the internet). Every hand in the room went up, except for mine. Then they showed us "bondage" sex movies to explore sexual fetishes and attractions, all in the name of exploring "healthy sex." This was a government supported centre where doctors and councilors sent mixed up youth to get "healthy."

Straight women would tell me secrets that they didn't tell "straight" men. It was bizarre being on the other side of the gender world hearing what some women really say about men, relationships and sex.

I went to the gay pride parade, and the most interesting thing for me was when the lesbians took their tops off. The New Age Spirituality that I was into was not at all against getting naked in public. At the parade, I saw my first girlfriend from grade 7 who I hadn't seen in 15 years. She had her top off and when she saw me she said "hi David" and started talking to me as if nothing was wrong.

When she was a kid her mom was an alcoholic and used to go on screaming binges. Her mom died and they hadn't resolved many of the conflicts. (I recently met her and she said that she was going to have a sex change. She was taking hormones and was preparing for breast reduction surgery. It made me very sad.)

Getting involved with Politics

I began writing letters to the prime minister about gay rights. In 1987, I attended an EGALE banquet (Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians Everywhere), for a gay politician who had just "come out" in the public media. I guess being ex-Broadway got me to this big formal affair. As I was congratulating him, the TV cameras came around us and that night I was on the several newscasts. I think the newscasters liked the clip of me because of the innocence with which I congratulated him. I said his coming out on TV "was a moment comparable to when I was 8 years old and saw Neil Armstrong on TV, landing on the moon."

That politician went on to campaign for abortion, euthanasia, human cloning, lowering the age of consent so adults could have anal sex with 14 year old boys and girls. He also tried to remove the word "God" from the Canadian Constitution. He later brought in legislation that made it illegal to say gay sex was wrong. He was the "poster" child of gay politics. Except, he finally left Parliament when he was caught stealing a $50,000 ring for the upcoming "marriage" to his gay partner. "Oh Lord, forgive me for having supported him."

I thought all I had to do was to convince society that homosexuality was perfectly normal. Perhaps then I could quiet the inner voice that told me I was on the wrong path.

I now know that no amount of social acceptance can calm a disturbed conscience.

Things start to turn bad

During this period, I also fell into a terrible eating disorder, anorexia-bulimia. The more I identified with the gay community, the lower my self-esteem went, and the worse the eating became. I was not getting well by "coming out," I was actually getting worse. I dropped to 108 pounds which is very thin for a 5'9" man. And then the whispering started from people who wondered what was going on with my health and if I had the big "A".

At the "coming out right" meetings, I heard about group sex at New Year's Eve parties, sex in bathrooms, and bathhouses. Some got quite upset if the police would raid bathhouses and they were fighting to legalize group sex, which is now legal in Canada. I didn't do any of that. Park sex was normal for many. The only time I tried that, I didn't go very far, and I came home with this incredibly empty feeling inside. There was this tension between what seemed to be happening in meditation which seemed to be pulling me away from that life, and my outer world where my doctor and all my gay friends said I just needed to "come out" and integrate more.

I got a job at a secular charity. My boss at the time went regularly to bathhouses and made my life very difficult cause he always tried to get me to go upstairs at work and have sex with him, which I always refused. Unfortunately, he passed away from the complications of AIDS. Lord have mercy.

I was impressed with the way some people in the community volunteered to help people with AIDS. The Grey Nuns and the Sisters of Charity, Mother Theresa's order, were also very active working with people with late stage AIDS. This was where Catholic nuns and members of the gay community worked side by side for the common good of those who were experiencing such suffering even though they had radically different beliefs. In times of crisis, people come from many diverse backgrounds to work together and meet the needs of those who are suffering. We are all children of God, even if we don't know it. I was not Catholic at the time but I was moved by the compassion of the nuns.

A friend of mine's entire baseball team was wiped out from AIDS. His organization, the Gay Archives, led a Human Rights lawsuit against a Christian print shop owner, who would not print gay stationary, based on his religious beliefs. The Christian print shop owner lost the law suit and it cost him $200,000 in legal fees.

I volunteered at the AIDS Committee in my hometown. I remember a "safer- sex" seminar which was totally depressing. It spoke about all the ways to have sex without exchanging body fluids. They said that gay men should always go for testing because over 20% of gay men in clubs were HIV positive. They said risk reduction did not guarantee anything. Then they explained all of the other illnesses such as anal gonorrhea, hepatitis B and C, venereal warts, anal cancer and so on. They encouraged gay sex and said it was perfectly natural. They said it was unnatural to abstain from sex. It was baffling to me that the gay community, which had been so devastated, was so adamant against sexual abstinence.

One of my older relatives was gay and he brought me to a Toronto bar where I met a man. That night I lost my "virginity." It was my first and only time having full sex. After having "safer" sex, this man told me that he wished he could turn back the clock because he had over two hundred partners and he felt that he was probably HIV-positive but didn't want to get tested because he thought it might hurt his insurance and employment. That worried me, but I didn't say anything. I knew that I should go for testing. My anorexia/bulimia was progressing. I weighed 108 lbs, and many people were wondering if I had HIV because I so skinny. I went back to the doctor who had originally directed me to the Coming-Out Right sessions. I asked him for an HIV test. He said I shouldn't go for one because it puts you at legal risk. I was blown away that my doctor was advising against HIV testing for someone who was at risk. Finally, he agreed and sent me to be tested for HIV. The test was negative and I didn't have HIV but I will never forget the look in the eyes of the nurse who took my blood. It was the early days of HIV and she was very squirmy. My self-esteem went into the gutter.

Metropolitan Community Church - the Gay Church

I was trying to find spiritual answers for my unhappiness, emptiness and bulimia. One day I met some gay men who were going to the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) which was "affirming" to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people. The founder was in my hometown that week. I was not Christian at that time but my New Age beliefs acknowledged Jesus as a "prophet" so I went to hear him talk. He had been an Baptist minister who was married with kids, but he finally gave into his desire for men and divorced his wife. He became estranged from his family. I didn't think it was very spiritual for a father to walk away from a family and kids, but I couldn't judge. I had aborted mine. Lord have mercy.

Although I was not at all into the Bible back then, I couldn't help but think the founder's interpretation of Scripture was lacking. He talked about falling in "love" with a young handsome man, even though he was an overweight older man. It didn't look too spiritual to me. It looked like plain old lust to me, like when the overweight older gay casting directors, Broadway directors, and record producers were interested in me in New York.

However, I could appreciate the heartbreaking struggle with his attraction to men during his marriage and his desire to bring Christ to the gay community. Most of the people at the MCC had grown up in Christian homes, but were estranged because of their same sex relationships. Troy got one part of God's message right

"God loves us just the way we are..."

ignoring the important part

"...but God loves us too much to leave us that way."

Many people in the MCC really did yearn for God, but the culture of denial was very strong and no one dared question the morality of same sex relationships. They considered such questions "hate." They used words like tolerance, inclusiveness, and diversity. So everybody at the Church got along fine as long as no one talked about the elephant in the middle of the room, which was the sex. People were encouraged to consider the Bible cafeteria style, "take what you like and leave the rest." They dismissed Bible quotes against gay sex by saying, "God is love, the Bible is outdated, theologians disagree etc.., so gay sex is fine." I have a full discussion of the Bible and gay sex here.

At the church, I met a lesbian who I found very attractive. That was always the way, there would be sexual sparks with me and "lesbians." I have since learned that lesbians have an average of twice as many male partners as straight women. She said she wanted to make love with me, even though she had a girlfriend. It was tempting but I was trying to abstain from relationships, especially "3 ways" 'till I got my life sorted out. I remembered an earlier conversation with another lesbian who told me "it is so hard for us lesbians to find a man to get us pregnant, and then just f*ck off!" I realized that was what the lady from the archives was looking for. The church was full of that type of thing, a virtual soap opera of break-ups, and sexual relationships that everyone rationalized as "healthy sexuality." They were major players in Canada's legalization of same sex marriage.

Recently, I got an email from an gay man who is becoming an Episcopal Deacon who tried to tell me his same sex relations were Christian. But his MySpace site was full of vulgar gestures and talk. So it looks like the Metropolitan Church is going to have competition for which can be more "modern."

My family doctor asks me out on a date

The doctor who originally sent me to the Coming-Out Right sessions had been our family doctor since when I was very young. He disclosed that he was gay and had always been attracted to me. He had a wife and children. He asked me out on a date, in his office. At this point everything had come full circle, I cancelled therapy. A gay friend of mine recently told me that that happens a lot in the gay community between doctors and patients.

"Coming out" of the Gay community

During my 18 months of being around the gay community, I only had full sex once. Something in me told me I shouldn't do it and most of the time I listened. I was uneasy with the back pages of the "high culture" gay magazines like the "Advocate" that were full of ads for sex toys, pornography and escorting services. I couldn't understand why a magazine that was so rich in culture would get so sleazy on the back pages. Deep down, I knew something was wrong with this world. It was a lust based reality.

In 1988, I went to Montreal to meet a famous New Age Guru. I got lost in Montreal and got off the bus. I looked up and saw a huge Church. It was Saint Joseph's Oratory. I was struck by its beauty and majesty. I walked into the Church and saw elderly women putting their hands on the feet of the statue of Jesus. They were whispering prayers and humbly walking away with their heads bowed. I was very moved and said to myself, "These women have faith!  Maybe the Church isn't a cold stone building full of hypocrites" - which was my attitude before that moment. I lay face down on the marble floor and said: "Lord Jesus, I don't know you at all ...could you please come into my life? Take my heart, take my health, take my circumstances, take everything about me. I'm yours."

I got up and lost all interest in the Guru. I was infused with the Holy Spirit. The New Age was gone - thank God! I stood up tall and walked out of there a new man. Shortly after that I walked by a Church and stopped and stood in front of the Crucifix in the Church yard. I asked God to heal my ways, and the misery I had caused myself and others. Then something incredible happened. I felt Jesus lifting the burden of this terrible weight of homosexuality that was on my shoulders. I stopped going to "Coming out right sessions", and stopped the political letter writing and left the gay community. This was before I became involved in any Church. No one "brain washed me" out of the gay world. I had simply been given freedom from it by the Holy Spirit. Since that time I have walked each and every day with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus.

Healthy, single and celibate

Jesus healed my anorexia-bulimia, and all my addictions. I am a normal weight, and I graduated from university Magma Cum Laude. I have a super job today as the president of a company that helps people with disabilities gain access to computers. I don't take medication like Prozac or anything like that, I don't even eat sugar or drink coffee. I get regular exercise and have no trouble sleeping. My relationship with my parents, brothers, neices, nephews, and extended family is healed. I go to Mass every morning and spend an hour a day in prayer. I have remained free of sexual relations. I can count the times I've thought or dreamed about gay sex in 20 years. Jesus truly does heal. He has also healed me of lust in general. Women are not objects of lust, they are children of God. I now understand that the real enemy is not "sexual orientation." It is lust. The only successful remedy for lust that I have found is a relationship with Jesus. He is a healer, and there is no substitute.

Many are called to marriage. I could choose marriage, there are opportunities, and several times I've had quite strong leadings. But during a powerful time of prayer several years back, I believe the Lord called me to a life of service, as a consecrated single chaste person. I now understand that my search all along was a journey home to Jesus. I follow the teachings of the Catholic Church on sexuality. I don't use pornography, I do not do "sex with self."

I am inspired by the apostle Paul's call to a consecrated celibate single life.

I wish that all were as I myself am...to the unmarried ... I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am ...In whatever condition you were called, brothers and sisters, there remain with God. ...it is well for you to remain as you are...Do not seek a wife ...I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord ... he who refrains from marriage will do better. (1 Cor 7:6-40)

Jesus says:

"... it is better not to marry.... Let anyone accept this who can." (Mat 19:10-12).

It is a daily journey and as long as I stay close to Him I am free of lust.

My voice comes back and I sing for the Lord

On a Christian retreat, my singing voice came back and a series of miracles got me a little recording studio. My song writing is better than its ever been and I got airplay on Christian radio stations. I've never been happier. I have many good friends, both men and women.

These days my goal is to become "radically moderate." I work 3 days a week doing technology for people with disabilities. I also try to minister to people who have addictions, eating disorders, or who are struggling with other forms of sin. I help out with my nephews who were orphaned. I spend a lot of time on music, either writing songs, recording in my little studio, or playing concerts. I have been blessed to participate in some amazing Christian events and the music has taken me to different parts of the world like Guatemala, Guam, Saipan, France, Germany, Poland, Belgium, Italy, India, the US and all across my home country of Canada. I have been able to collaborate with some great musicians who also love the Lord. I am often asked to travel and give my testimony of Jesus' ability to heal addictions, bulimia, lust, abortion and same sex issues.

But the favorite part of my life is sitting in prayer with my Lord after communion, or reading his Holy Word in the Bible. When I read the Bible I feel a connection with the men and women of old who left us this great legacy which God gave to them to give to us. In prayer, I feel a powerful connection with He who made me, and He who will return me to himself when my time is over on this earth.

Lord Jesus, I thank you for all you have given me. I thank you for all I have lost. And I thank you for all the hearts that you've touched through me and the hearts that have loved me to health and happiness in your most Precious and Holy Name. Amen

What have I learned?
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Photos of Concerts and Talks
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