My Experience in the Gay Community

Introduction

A co-worker who is gay, invited me to his birthday party. I was the only "straight" person. At the time I was running for election with a Christian based political party to stand up for marriage and the unborn and was in the middle of the campaign. Most of my co-worker's gay friends were pleasant, but one of them launched into me for 30 minutes telling me to throw away my “magic book” (the Bible) saying that it should be banned because it is full of horrible hatred. His partner told him to calm down. At the end of this I quietly said that my belief in God has given me the strength the stay out of sexual relationships for 20 years. He seemed quite taken back. Later, in private, several of them asked me how I did it, and why I seemed happy.

The next morning after Communion, a vision came into my mind. I was in a very narrow passage holding apart two rocks that were closing in on each other at an entrance to a canyon. There were people who depended on me to get through the narrow passage to the Light. The rock pressing my back was the cultural Church where many Christians are afraid of people with same sex attraction. The rock pressing from the front was the gay community which is very angry at the Church. This vision convinced me to start talking about my experience in the gay community.

I've come to understand that helping people with same sex attraction is the Church's responsibility. We can no longer leave this to the gay community because in that environment people who abstain from sex are considered in "denial." When same sex attraction combines with lust, it forges a powerful form of denial much worse than "being in the closet". It is the denial of God's call on our lives to chastity. My experience has taught me a paradox:

Sex is not the answer to same sex attraction

Christians need to provide a clean, welcoming, "no-sex" space, where men and women with "same sex" attraction can get well and explore God's gift of chastity, an environment that is supporting, loving and free of the "yuck!" factor around sexual issues. I hope to help others choose chastity.

Early Years

In my full testimony, I talk about the fights in my family. It was a poor neighbourhood with a lot of violence and poverty. I responded to the stress by refusing to eat, an anorexic kid. I grew up skinny and got beat up a lot. My dad had heart problems and resigned from office work to become an art writer. Although he became well recognized, my mom brought in most of the family money teaching.

Photo: This is me at 10 years old on my Great Grandma's 100th birthday.

At 10 years old some of my "friends" told me to "get lost, because your gay, that's why!" I had no idea if they were serious but I never hung around them again. One time my brother said to my mom, "Is he gay or what?" My dad always used to make many jokes about "queers."

Much of my teen energy revolved around sex with girlfriends, a typical teenager in a sexualized culture. I didn't realize that I was putting black marks on my soul that would later haunt me. I started getting good at music. It became my escape and a means to attract attention.

Photo: David MacDonald, 14 years old

At 18, I appeared on a local TV show and the host invited me and my steady girlfriend to dinner. After he dropped her home, he brought me to his house and asked me to stay the night with him. I was devastated. I said "no" and his driver took me home. I ran into him a couple of years ago and he apologized. He never forgot the disappointment he created. He gave up alcohol.

I didn't want anything to do with God or religion which I thought was ridiculous. Like my brother who later committed suicide, I was an atheist

I didn't want anything to do with God or religion which I thought was ridiculous. Like my brother who later committed suicide, I was an atheist.

Bahamas and New York City

At 19, I got a job playing music in Club Med Bahamas. Many gay men worked there and several came onto me but I was into numerous sex situations with the women. One said "you see all these gay men here? Don't you ever become like that." I assured her she had nothing to worry about, but got a twinge of discomfort.

In the Bahamas, I fell in love with a model who invited me to live with her in New York City. My first night I was not the lover I had been in the Bahamas but rather a nervous 19 year old in the big city, who clouldn’t get it up. The next night, after a party for model Cheryl Tiegs she said the relationship was over. I returned to the party and a man offered a place to stay. Turned out he was gay and only had one bed, I refused sex but slept in the same bed and was aroused at his advancements, which disturbed me.

Photo: David MacDonald in the Bahamas 19 years old

I got an opportunity to rent an apartment in Greenwich Village. I didn't consciously realize it was next to Christopher Street, the gay epicenter of the east coast. About a year after that, at 19, I remember having a fear was that I might be gay.

I started producing rap music for a club called Harlem World. They called me the "Mighty Whitey." The record executive many times asked me to have sex with him but I didn't cross that line. One of his friends, a record producer with several hits also tried, but I didn't mix work and sex.

My voice teacher was into drag. A couple of times during lessons, I let him do oral sex on me. A few months later, he got shot in a dance bar. He survived but died of a heart attack about a year later. He was a tragic gifted artist. Oh Lord, have mercy!

Broadway and Hollywood calls

At 21 years old, I was cast in a Broadway show and my career took off. I produced music for Nemperor/CBS and NBC TV, Levis commercial, ABC After School Special, lead roles in movies for Paramount and Columbia Pictures, and the Rock and Roll Cat, in the US National Tour of "CATS." I remember liking the idea of putting on make-up in my first Broadway show. The makeup artist used to yell at me "paint girl!" She was a tall blond woman. One night she took me home ... in bed I found out that she was transexual and had been a man. It was a surprise and it stopped short the sex that night. I thought she should have been more honest and upfront beforehand. She sent me nude photos for a year after that, perhaps because she was feeling insecure by my refusal.

The entertainment business is basically run by gay men. Most directors I worked for wanted sex with me but I took to heart the advice of an old gay man who said "in show business you can build a thousand bridges, but if you kiss one ass, you’re an ass kisser." Although I never slept with any, I was a flirt.

Everything I touched turned to gold but nothing was enough. I had a emptiness inside me. I tried to fill it with more and more success. I was involved with a couple of abortions with girlfriends and things started to unravel. I fell into drugs, drinking, overwork, eating disorders.

I moved into the Hotel Chelsea in NYC but was looking for a way out of the hotel because it was expensive and the drug dealer for an ex-girlfriend was threatening my life. The hotel clerk told me he had a spare apartment. I didn't realize it was his “sex pad.” I was one of a long string of young people he had there. Again, I did't go all the way but crossed my own boundaries.

On the US National tour of "Cats," my lifestyle was catching up with me. I got sick and burned out my voice completely. It was the end of my career. For the next 3 years, I communicated by writing on a note pad and could only talk in a whisper 10 minutes a day. MTV called me up to be a video jockey but I couldn't talk. Madonna's choreographer called me up to go on tour with her as singer/dancer, but I was finished, washed up. My career was over, and my life as I knew it.

Some of my friends in the Hollywood circles were into the New Age and I went to a seminar in San Francisco. An aquaintance connected me with his gay friends there and I spent a night in a house with 6 gay guys as their "straight" visitor. I appreciated their willingness to let me stay there but what I saw made me very sad. They were all obsessed with their weight and how they could best be noticed in bars. They were in and out of relationships every few weeks. I could see them desperately looking for acceptance in an environment which was driven by physical looks and charisma. It was 1984 and the HIV thing was breaking loose and listening to them sounded like they were playing Russian roulette. After returning to NYC, I ran out of money and returned home to Canada - broken.

Coming out in my hometown

I started counseling with our family physician who had been our doctor since I was a child. I told him that I wondered about my sexuality. He suggested I attend a Coming-Out Right group for men who were exploring the possibility of being gay. I started attending sessions at Pink Triangle Services in my hometown. They presented a model of "coming-out," that had five stages:

1. Denial
2. Admitting to self
3. Disclosure to others
4. Socialization with other gay men
5. Acceptance and integration into the gay community.

They said that I was in my "denial" stage. So I told my parents, grandfather, brothers, aunts, uncles, relatives and friends and anyone that I met that I was gay. I often had a twinge in my gut that something was wrong but felt reassured because of the advice of my doctor and the Pink Triangle counselors. I brought a man to meet my parents. My father did his best to be tolerant but I could see it hurt him deeply. I brought home a book for my mother to read about being an advocate and gay parent. My mom said, "I'm not going to become a loud vocal advocate for this."

I started going to a gay dance clubs. In straight clubs, I had been the best dancer on the floor because of my background but not so here. A TV camera came into the club from a local station. The dance floor cleared but I kept dancing, and was on TV that night. The clubs were full of drugs, alcoholism and sex in the washrooms. I was trying to stay off of drugs, so I learned quickly clubs were not for me.

I was meditating several hours a day. New Age people were totally cool with gay sexuality, and any kind of sexuality for that matter. They liked the New Age because it made no moral demands on them. They said:

"We are all sexual beings and our sexual natures need to express themselves. Each of us has a "moral compass" and all we need to do is follow our own truth and we will gain enlightenment."

They didn't mention the human mind's almost limitless ability for self-justification.

I had my right ear pierced, which was a public declaration of being gay. But in meditation, I felt a whisper that I should not have done it. I removed the earring to reverse the piercing. At the next Coming-Out Right session, I told the group about having pierced my ear but that I removed the earring because I felt God telling me it wasn't right. One guy said "I would have told God to F*** OFF!".

The people at my Coming-Out Right sessions told me that the more I disclosed being gay, the more "emotionally well" I would become. So I went to my high school reunion, which lasted three days. On the first day, I went dressed in a three-piece suit, with my shoulders back, standing tall to meet all of my friends from high school. And one by one I "came out" to about 150 people. By the end of the three-day reunion, I was completely emotionally drained. My shoulders were hunched, my clothing was disheveled and my self-esteem was rock-bottom. It didn't help at all.

A lesbian couple, one of whom was a medical doctor, invited about 6 gay men to a "Christmas" party. She said:

"Why don't all the men in the room masturbate into a bottle and we will use the sperm to inseminate ourselves so we can have a child, and no man will have to take responsibility for the child because no one will know who the real father is?"

Thankfully, the men thought it was a dumb idea. That was before invitro fertilization and sperm banks. Today, these children never meet their real fathers.

Straight women would tell me secrets that they didn't tell "straight" men. It was bizarre being on the other side of the gender world hearing what some women really say about men, relationships and sex. I was “one of the girls.”

At one of the Coming-Out Right sessions, the facilitator asked how many people in the room had porn magazines underneath their bed (that was before the internet). Every hand in the room went up, except for mine because during meditation several months earlier, I had a feeling that I should not use porn and I listened to the voice inside. They showed us "bondage" sex movies to explore sexual fetishes and attractions, all in the name of exploring "healthy sex." This was a government supported centre where doctors and councilors sent mixed up youth to get "healthy."

I went to the gay pride parade and felt like a traitor for being "turned on" when the lesbians took their tops off. I didn't realize that many gay men are attracted to women. The New Age Spirituality that I was into was not at all against getting naked in public. At the parade, I saw my first girlfriend who I dated in grade 7. I hadn't seen her in 15 years. She had come out as a lesbian, and had her top off and when she saw me she said "hi David" and started talking to me as if nothing was wrong. Her mom was an alcoholic and used to go on screaming binges . Her mom died before they could resolve many of their conflicts. She is taking hormones and preparing for breast removal surgery and a sex change. It made me very sad because it seems like self mutilation and self hatred.

Getting involved with gay politics

I began writing letters to the prime minister about gay rights. In 1987, I attended an EGALE banquet (Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians Everywhere), for a gay politician who had just "come out" in the public media. As I was congratulating him, the TV cameras came around us and that night I was on the several newscasts. I think the newscasters liked the clip of me because of the innocence with which I congratulated him. I said his coming out on TV "was a moment comparable to when I was 8 years old and saw Neil Armstrong on TV, landing on the moon."

That politician went on to campaign for abortion, euthanasia, human cloning, lowering the age of consent so adults could have anal sex with 14 year old boys and girls. He also tried to remove the word "God" from the Canadian Constitution. He later brought in legislation that made it illegal to say gay sex was wrong. He was the "poster" child of gay politics, except he was caught stealing a $50,000 ring for the upcoming "marriage" to his gay partner. At his resignation, he said he had been very depressed and on medication.

I thought all I had to do was to convince society that homosexuality was perfectly normal. Perhaps then I could quiet the inner voice that told me I was on the wrong path.

I now know that no amount of social acceptance can calm a disturbed conscience.

Things start to turn bad

Many at the coming out right group had no problem with the idea of group sex, sex in bathrooms, and bathhouses which I stayed away from. They hated the police when they would raid bathhouses and they were fighting to legalize everything. The only time I allowed oral sex in a park I came home with this incredibly empty feeling. There was this tension between what was happening in meditation which seemed to be pulling me away from that life, and my outer world where my doctor and all my gay friends said I just needed to "come out" and integrate more. But the more I identified with the gay community, the lower my self-esteem went, and the worse the eating disorder became. I learned that this was true for many others in the gay community, and that in areas where gay sex is "normalized" and accepted, addiction is rampant, anti-depression medication is the norm, suicide and partner abuse is sky rocketing, eating disorders are common, much more than in outlying areas where there wasn't as much social acceptance of gay sex. I was not getting well by "coming out," I dropped to 108 pounds which is very thin for a 5'9" man. And then the whispering started from people who wondered what was going on with my health and if I had the big "A".

HIV Scare

I got a job at a charity. My boss went regularly to bathhouses at lunch hour and made my life very difficult cause he always tried to get me to go upstairs at work and have sex with him, which I always refused. Unfortunately, he passed away from the complications of AIDS. Lord have mercy.

I was impressed with the way some people in the gay community volunteered to help people with AIDS. The Grey Nuns and the Sisters of Charity, Mother Theresa's order, were also very active working with people with late stage AIDS. This was where Catholic nuns and members of the gay community worked side by side for the common good of those who were experiencing such suffering even though they had radically different beliefs. In times of crisis, people come from many diverse backgrounds to work together and meet the needs of those who are suffering. We are all children of God, even if we don't know it. I was not Catholic at the time but I was moved by the compassion of the nuns.

A friend of mine's entire baseball team was wiped out from AIDS. His organization, the Gay Archives, led a Human Rights lawsuit against a Christian print shop owner, who would not print gay stationary, based on his religious beliefs. The Christian print shop owner lost the law suit and it cost him $200,000 in legal fees.

In university, I took a work placement at the AIDS Committee of Ottawa (ACO). I remember a "safer- sex" seminar which was totally depressing. It spoke about all the ways to have sex without exchanging body fluids. They said that gay men should always go for testing because over 20% of gay men in clubs are HIV positive. They said risk reduction does not guarantee anything. Then they explained all of the other illnesses such as anal gonorrhea, hepatitis B and C, venereal warts, anal cancer and so on. They encouraged gay sex and said it was perfectly natural. They said it was unnatural to abstain from sex. It was baffling to me that the gay community, which had been so devastated, was so adamant against sexual abstinence.

One of my older relatives was gay and he brought me to a Toronto bar. I lost my "gay virgintiy" that night. After having "safer" sex, this man told me that he had over two hundred partners and was probably HIV-positive but didn't want to get tested because it might hurt his insurance and employment. I knew that I should go for testing. My anorexia/bulimia was progressing. I weighed 108 lbs, and many people were wondering if I had HIV because I so skinny. I went back to the doctor who had originally directed me to the Coming-Out Right sessions. I asked him for an HIV test. He said I shouldn't go for one because it puts you at legal risk. I was surprised that my doctor was advising against HIV testing for someone who was at risk. Finally, he agreed and sent me to be tested for HIV. The test was negative and I didn't have HIV but I will never forget the look in the eyes of the nurse who took my blood. It was the early days of HIV and she was very uncomfortable. My self-esteem went into the gutter. I decided not to screw around after that.

Metropolitan Community Church - the Gay Church

I was trying to find spiritual answers for my unhappiness, emptiness and bulimia. One day I met some gay men who were going to the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) which was "affirming" to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people. The founder was in town that week. I was not Christian at that time but my New Age beliefs acknowledged Jesus as a "prophet" so I went to hear him talk. He had been a Baptist minister who was married with kids, but he finally gave into his desire for men and divorced his wife. He became estranged from his family. I didn't think it was very spiritual for a father to walk away from a family and kids, but I couldn't judge. I had aborted mine.

Although I was not at all into the Bible back then, I couldn't help but think the founder's interpretation of Scripture was lacking. He talked about falling in "love" with a young handsome man, even though he was an overweight older man. It didn't look too spiritual to me. It was plain old lust to me, like when the overweight older gay casting directors were sexually interested in me in New York.

However, I could appreciate the heartbreaking struggle with his attraction to men during his marriage and his desire to bring Christ to the gay community. Most of the people at the MCC had grown up in Christian homes, but were estranged because of their same sex relationships. The pastor got one part of God's message right:

"God loves us just the way we are..."

I think he ignored the important part

"...but God loves us too much to leave us that way."

Many people in the MCC really did yearn for God, but no one dared question the morality of same sex relationships. They considered such questions "hate." They used words like tolerance, inclusiveness, and diversity. Everybody at the Church got along fine as long as no one talked about the elephant in the middle of the room, which was the sex. People were encouraged to consider the Bible cafeteria style, "take what you like and leave the rest." They dismissed Bible quotes against gay sex by saying, "God is love, the Bible is outdated, theologians disagree with each other, Jonathan was gay, etc.., so gay sex is fine." A discussion of the Bible and gay sex here.

At the church, there were sexual sparks with me a "lesbian." I have since learned that lesbians have an average of twice as many male partners as straight women. She said she wanted sex with me, even though she had a girlfriend. It was tempting but I was trying to abstain from relationships, especially "3 ways" until I got my life sorted out. I remembered an earlier conversation with another lesbian who told me "it is so hard for us lesbians to find a man to get us pregnant, and then just f*ck off!" The church was full of that type of thing, a virtual soap opera of break-ups, and sexual relationships that everyone rationalized as "healthy sexuality." This Church became major players in Canada's legalization of same sex marriage.

Recently, I got an email from a gay man who is becoming an Episcopal Deacon who tried to tell me his same sex relations were Christian. But his MySpace site was full of vulgar gestures and talk. So it looks like the Metropolitan Church is going to have competition from the Anglican/Episcipol Church on who can be more "modern" and “liberated.”

My family doctor asks me out on a date

The doctor who originally sent me to the Coming-Out Right sessions had been our family doctor since I was a child. He had a wife and children. He disclosed that he was gay, had always been attracted to me and asked me out on a date while I was in his office. I cancelled therapy. A gay friend of mine recently told me that type of thing happens a lot in the gay community between doctors and patients.

"Coming out" of the Gay community

I was uneasy with the back pages of the "high culture" gay magazines like the "Advocate" that were full of ads for sex toys, pornography and escorting services. I couldn't understand why a magazine that was so rich in culture would get so sleazy on the back pages. Deep down, I knew something was wrong with this world. It was a lust based reality.

In 1988, I went to Montreal to meet a famous New Age Guru. I got lost in Montreal and got off the bus. I looked up and saw a huge Church. It was Saint Joseph's Oratory. I was struck by its beauty and majesty. I walked into the Church and saw elderly women putting their hands on the feet of the statue of Jesus. They were whispering prayers and humbly walking away with their heads bowed. I was very moved and said to myself, "These women have faith!  Maybe the Church isn't a cold stone building full of hypocrites" - which was my attitude before that moment. I went to an upper sanctuary and alone in front of the cross, I lay face down and said: "Lord Jesus, I don't know you at all ... but could you please come into my life? Take my heart, take my health, take my circumstances, take everything about me. I'm yours."

An amazing feeling came over me. I stood up tall and walked out of there a new man. I lost all interest in the Guru. Shortly after that I stood in front of a Crucifix in a Church yard. I asked God to heal my ways and the misery I had caused myself and others. Then something incredible happened. I felt Jesus lifting the terrible burden of same sex attraction off of my shoulders. I stopped going to "Coming out right sessions", and stopped the political letter writing and left the gay community. This was before I became involved in any Church. No one "brain washed me" out of the gay world. I had simply been given freedom from it. Since that time I have walked each and every day with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus.

Healthy, single and celibate

Jesus healed my anorexia-bulimia, and all my addictions. I am a normal weight, and I graduated from university Magma Cum Laude. I have a super job today as the president of a company that helps people with disabilities gain access to computers. I don't take medication like Prozac or anything like that, I don't even eat sugar or drink coffee. I get regular exercise and have no trouble sleeping.

My relationship with my parents, brothers, neices, nephews, and extended family is healed. I go to Mass every morning and spend an hour a day in prayer. I have remained free of sexual relations. I can count the times I've thought or dreamed about gay sex since my conversion. I struggled with "straight" porn for a couple of years, but through an accountability group, got completely free of that, and have been free of masturbation for over 4 years. Women are not objects of lust, they are children of God. I now understand that the real enemy is not "sexual orientation." It is lust. I really understand what Jesus meant when he said "If you even look at a woman with lust you have commited adultry in your heart." (Mat. 5:28) The only successful remedy for lust that I have found is a relationship with Jesus. He is a healer, and there is no substitute.

Many people who are freed of same sex attraction are called to hetero marriage. I've had great opportunities, and have had strong leadings. But during a powerful time of prayer several years back, I believe the Lord called me to a life of service, as a consecrated single chaste person. I now understand that my search all along was a journey home to Jesus. I follow the teachings of the Catholic Church on sexuality.

I learned that sex is not like food or water, you don't die without it.

In fact, my life is really good without sex. My song writing is better, my health is better, and my state of mind is better. Jesus truly does heal. I am inspired by the apostle Paul's call to a consecrated celibate single life.

I wish that all were as I myself am...to the unmarried ... I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am ...In whatever condition you were called, brothers and sisters, there remain with God. ...it is well for you to remain as you are...Do not seek a wife ...I say this for your own benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord ... he who refrains from marriage will do better. (1 Cor 7:6-40)

Jesus says:

"... it is better not to marry.... Let anyone accept this who can." (Mat 19:10-12).

It is a daily journey and as long as I stay close to Him I am free of lust. I am not a saint, but I believe the words of Charles Peguy:

“life holds only one tragedy, ultimately: not to have been a saint.”

My voice comes back and I sing for the Lord

On a Christian retreat, my singing voice came back and a series of miracles got me a little recording studio. My song writing is better than its ever been and I got airplay on Christian radio stations. I have many good friends, both men and women.

These days my goal is to become "radically moderate." I work 3 days a week doing technology for people with disabilities. I also try to minister to people who have addictions, eating disorders, or who are struggling with other forms of sin such as lust and same sex attraction. I help out with my nephews who were orphaned. I spend a lot of time on music, either writing songs, recording in my little studio, or playing concerts. I have been able to collaborate with some great musicians who also love the Lord. I am often asked to travel to other countries, to give my testimony of Jesus' ability to heal addictions, bulimia, lust, abortion and same sex attraction. I also have an accountability group and I stay close to confession, where I can clear the spiritual air if my attitude gets bad.

But the favorite part of my life is sitting in prayer with my Lord after Communion, or reading his Holy Word in the Bible. In those moments, I feel a connection with the men and women of old who left us this great legacy which God gave to them to give to us. In prayer, I feel a powerful connection with He who made me, and He who will return me to himself when my time is over on this earth.

Lord Jesus, I thank you for all you have given me. I thank you for all I have lost. And I thank you for all the hearts that you've touched through me and the hearts that have loved me to health and happiness in your most Precious and Holy Name. Amen.

Next - What have I learned?